deleonjh | The Dog Who Was a Prince

“Onwards, men! Naked Water Tribe girls are dripping wet for your cocks!”

Zuko’s crew heartened at his shout and frantically threw themselves into their work. If mere eagerness was enough to impart speed, then the ship would have flown through the air on the strength of the crew’s enthusiasm.

“Keep at it! Remember, all their men are away at war. An entire village of sexually frustrated women! Their hungry cunts are aching for your meat sticks! Either that or they’ve turned to lesbianism – the kind where they’ll have sex with you. It’s win-win!”

The crew shouted in joy, though they sounded a bit worn down. Zuko’s voice was also starting to get ragged. He’d been screaming sexually explicit encouragement at his sailors all day and he looked like he was about to collapse. No, wait, he’d actually collapsed.

Iroh sighed and took another swig of his whiskey, then realized he’d already finished the bottle. Worse, it was the third one that day. When had he become such an alcoholic? Oh, right, when he’d joined his nephew to ‘hunt’ the Avatar. Most of the hunting involved looking for ‘hot and nasty hos’ and when that panned out, asking around for places where more of these ‘hos’ could be found. Looking for hos was apparently like looking for the greenest field of grass – there was always a hotter and nastier ho somewhere else.

They were currently speeding toward the South Pole because Zuko had been assured by the dockworkers he’d met at the last port that Water Tribe girls were all incredibly hot, otherwise how would they survive in a frozen wasteland? They must be keeping warm somehow.

Iroh looked out at the icebergs in the distance. Well, this trip wasn’t so bad. When it came to finding the Avatar, one place was pretty much as good as another. Iroh still looked for information about the Avatar at every place they went to, but it was starting to get discouraging. Maybe the Air Nomad Avatar had already died and the new reincarnation had already been born into the Water Tribe?

No, that was stupid. Yes, the Avatar could already have been reborn into the Water Tribe, but Iroh didn’t really think so. Any Water Tribe Avatar would have quickly joined the war. They weren’t pacifists like the Air Nomads.

Iroh was just trying to pretend his nephew was taking his duty seriously instead of only trying to get into the pants of as many girls as possible. Strangely enough, that number was still currently zero. Or perhaps not so strangely, since girls could smell a desperate loser from a mile away and Zuko was definitely one. Zuko was actually pretty good at getting his men hooked up, which was why they were all fiercely loyal to him, but it was all from the inadvertent effects of his own clumsy schemes. After striking out once again, Zuko would declare a place to be ‘full of frigid lesbos’ and demand they move on to the next destination. His men all thought Zuko was joking, but Iroh knew if Zuko ever got together with a girl he’d shout the details from the crow’s nest at the entire crew or maybe even act it out on deck.

Good holy crap, what was he doing thinking about his nephew’s sex life? For the hundredth time, Iroh swore to himself that he’d give up drinking. Then he looked at his nephew passed out on deck and for the hundredth time broke his promise as he grabbed a fresh bottle of sweet numbness.

Oh good, Zuko was starting to wake up. Guess he wasn’t that tired. His nephew groaned then groggily got up from the deck. “Hey Uncle, what’s that light in the distance?”

“What light?” asked Iroh. Oops, he’d thought that was a hallucination from being so incredibly loaded. “Zuko, strange and powerful lights are a sign of the Avatar! We might be on the right trail finally, after all these years!”

“No, never mind, it’s just a signal fire from that derelict ship in the ice,” said Zuko. “See, those two people running away must have triggered it when they were rooting around in there.” Suddenly he stiffened and whipped out his spyglass. “Mother of crap, it’s a chick! Stupid bulky parkas, I’ll bet she’s hiding giant melons under those clothes.”

“Are you sure, Prince Zuko?” asked Iroh as he looked through his own spyglass. “They’re quite far away, I can barely make them out.”

“Uncle, who do you think you’re talking to? I can smell poon at a thousand paces, I can spot it at even further. Ooh, the other one’s not bad either.”

“The one in orange? Are you sure that’s a girl?”

“That or it’s a boy with a tight ass. Either way, me likey. Err,I mean I can admire something even if I don’t touch it, right? Looking isn’t gay. Well, maybe it doesn’t count if it’s a really feminine boy.”

As Zuko mulled over his bi-curiosity, Iroh took a closer look at the figure in orange. No, it wasn’t just orange, it was saffron. The same colour as what the Air Nomads had worn. “Zuko, I think the orange one is the Avatar. At the very least, it’s likely that person is an Airbender.”

“An Airbender, eh? No one’s had sex with one for a hundred years.”

“. . . Yeah. Anyway, we know what to expect now.”

“Good crap, you’re right! I almost forgot, there’s a village of horny women out there. Prepare the equipment, men!”

The crew cheered and brought up the casks of liquor and the musical instruments.

“All hands to party stations!”

“Come on, come on, lower the damn gangplank,” muttered Zuko to himself while he quivered in anticipation. The men behind him also looked raring to go, they were dressed in the fanciest clothes they had, what with needing to make a good first impression.

The ramp lowered slowly and then fell forward with a thump. Zuko paused at the threshold while his eyes adjusted to the outside. As he carefully stepped down, a painted maniac charged at him screaming. “Awesome, looks like someone knows how to get it down!” announced Zuko cheerfully as he shoved a bottle into the guy’s face and poured the liquor down his throat.

“People of the South Pole!” shouted Zuko with his arm around the shoulders of his new best friend. “We have come here from the Fire Nation for one purpose – to par-tay!” The villagers merely stared at him in apprehension. Well, they’d warm up to him and his crew. First, Zuko would invite a girl to dance, then his crew would break out their instruments (and the rum), then that would break the ice and other people would join in. It was fool-proof.

Zuko looked around for an appropriate dance partner, but all the old women in front were hiding them. Probably wanted to protect their daughters or something. “Hey dude, where are the chicks?” he asked his Water Tribe companion.

“What shicks?” slurred the painted boy. “They’re all old ladiesh here, tha youngesht iz like thirty. No wait, the youngest ish like four, but she doesn’t count as a chick. Whoa, I feel kind of funny. Am I drunk?”

Zuko stared crazily around him. Old lady, old lady, little kid, old lady. Could it really be possible? Had he led his men to a land with no chicks? He screamed in mortal terror. Zuko ran through the village desperately searching for even just one girl. It was no use, there weren’t any at all. He fell to his knees and screamed even louder.

“Are you all right?” asked a voice from behind him.

“Aaaaaaa – huh?” That voice had sounded young, but not too young. Could it be? He turned around slowly, hoping he’d heard right. Yes, it was the girl he’d seen earlier! How could he have forgotten her?

“Umm, you were starting to freak me out with all the shrieking. Are you hurt or something?”asked the most perfect girl in the world. Wait, no she wasn’t, her melons were more like apples. Well, he wasn’t prejudiced, he was open to women with all sizes of tits. The rest of her wasn’t so bad; she was definitely lithe and slim, though he’d need to see her without her parka to be certain. Hmm, how was he going to get her to take off her coat?

“Hello? You’ve been staring at me for like five minutes, I think you must have hit your head when you were running around.”

“Huh? No, I’m fine, I’m fine, just, uhh . . .” Desperately he looked around for a suitable topic of conversation. It was then that he noticed the full-blown party that was taking place around him. Casks of rum were open and people were dancing and laughing as musicians from both the ship and the village added their music into the noise. “When did this happen?”

“The party? It started when you were running around. I think everyone just thought you were partying hard until you started rolling in the ground and wailing like you were being murdered.”

Zuko took a moment to collect himself. “So what’s your name?” he asked smoothly.

It was at that point that the painted boy joined them. “Hey dude, awesome party!”

“Hey, I thought you said there weren’t any chicks here? What about her?” asked Zuko, pointing at the girl in front of him.

“That’s just my sister Katara, she doesn’t count, she’s more like a boy with the wrong bits.”

“Shut up, Sokka!” she cried as she shoved him onto the ground.

“Katara, eh?” said Zuko as he stepped over the boy lying on the ice and moaning in pain in front of him. “I’m Zuko. Prince Zuko.”

“Oh! It’s nice to meet you. I’ve never met a prince before. Are you really from the Fire Nation? I mean, it’s hard to believe since you and your crew are so nice and all.”

“Well, I was banished because I spoke out against the war. I stood up in the council meeting and told everyone I couldn’t support something as horrible as war.”

“And you were exiled because you tried to do the right thing? Oh, how brave of you.” Katara looked up at him with eyes shining with admiration.

“Wow, a Fire Nation prince!” A new voice was coming from between Zuko and Katara. “ I’ve been there but I’ve never met royalty. This is so cool!” The speaker seemed to be a weird boy with an arrow tattoo on his shaved scalp.

“Yeah, it’s a great spot,” said Zuko as he pulled out his favourite book of erotic prints. What was with all the interruptions? “Here, enjoy.” That ought to distract the kid.

“Thanks?” said the boy uncertainly. Then he opened the book and gasped in shock at the pornographic illustrations. “What is it, Aang?” asked the Water Tribe boy as he got up slowly and looked over the younger boy’s shoulder. “Whoa, lemme see!”

“No, he gave the book to me!” “Shut up, you’re a guest so that means you have to do what I say!” The two boys started punching each other in the stomach as they fought over Zuko’s porn. Sokka was blasted away when Aang let loose a fierce gust from his mouth.

“Huh, an Airbender,” said Zuko in disinterest. Time to get back to the project of getting Katara to take off her parka. Well, he had to set her at ease first. “Anyway, what’s it like down here at the South Pole?”

“Kind of boring until my brother and I found the Avatar. Oops, I guess I shouldn’t have said that. But you’re nice, right? You won’t do anything bad to Aang?” She was being kind of trusting, actually. He looked closer and noticed the rosy hue to her cheeks. Had she gotten into the rum?

“Totally, I don’t care about that.” Hadn’t he heard something about the Avatar? It felt like he was forgetting something important. Whatever, all this thinking wasn’t getting Katara to take off her clothes.

“Anyway, Aang has to master waterbending and so do I. I’m a waterbender, by the way, but there aren’t any others here at the South Pole. So I’m hoping to join him when he leaves to go study at the Northern Water Tribe.”

Idea! He had an idea! “Well, why don’t you two join me on my ship? I’ll be glad to give you a ride to the North Pole.”

“Really? That’s so nice of you. Can my brother come? He’ll just cry and whine if he doesn’t go.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Yay!” squealed Katara as she hopped up and down in excitement. Zuko wanted to squeal and join her but he was almost certain that would turn her off. He tried not to drool as he imagined all the potential scenarios that could spring up between the two of them on his ship. This was going to be the best road trip ever.